A scare

This is a long one....

Our family had a huge scare last week. I decided to finally post about it since it's been over a week since things went down and it seems as though we are on a good track to full recovery. But, let me just tell you that it was absolutely the scariest thing I've ever had to deal with. It was baby Bella. Here's what happened:

Last Monday, Patrick had taken Ava out and it was just Bella and me at home. We walked to the mailbox for a quick second of fresh air (by the way...I never, ever check or put mail in the mailbox. Ever. Patrick always does it). It was freezing so I had her completely double covered with a blanket and was holding her over my shoulder. Just as I was stepping up the step outside our door, my foot didn't make it all the way up on the step and I tripped and fell forward. Bella fell backwards from my arms and hit her hed on the corner of a brick step. The sound her head made hitting the step was terrible. A really dense "thud." Just terrible.

I immediately scooped her up and checked to make sure she was conscious (which she was) and I awaited that terrible screeching baby scream. But that didn't happen. She was kinda doing a moaning cry and had her eyes half closed. I called the pediatrician and they put me on hold to get a nurse, but things just didn't seem right- she seemed shocked and I felt like she was maybe hurt really badly. So, I used the house phone to call 911. Of course, by now, I'm trying to remain calm but it's really hard when you're telling the 911 lady that your baby needs an ambulance. Bella was starting to close her eyes and was really sleepy (of course, this happened right at nap time) which was really scaring me, and I was trying to keep her awake. The paramedics got there and Bella and I rode in the ambulance to the nearest (adult) hospital.

They did a CT scan and an xray of her neck. Both of these things were said to be normal. They discharged Bella and told us to look for changes in her routine/personality and vomiting. If these things occurred, they wanted us to go back. She was very groggy that afternoon/evening (understandably) and went to bed earlier than usual. At 1am, she began vomiting. She vomited 3 times over several hours and I called the pediatrician on call. He recommended waiting, but in the morning she vomited again. I called her regular pediatrician and she recommended we take her to the children's hospital.

Of course, I was at work and Bella was home with Patrick (it was my 3rd day back to work after maternity leave). So, we had to cancel my patients and bring Bella to the hospital. They did another CT scan there and revealed that she had a small skull fracture and a subdural hematoma (a bleed between her skull and brain). Needless to say, I lost it. Meanwhile, I had just been holding her in my arms for hours and hours while she basically slept the entire day. The neurosurgeon that was there was wonderful (and very conservative) and told us that although it's very scary, her prognosis was "excellent" and he didn't anticipate any long term damage. They wanted to admit her into the hospital for observation over night.

The next day we repeated the CT. Dr. Neurosurgeon said that he thought she was "stable" but that there may be a slight increase in the size of the bleed. He wanted to confirm with the radiologist, who, after looking at the scan, didn't think there was any change- not any bigger than the day before. That was good news, but Bella was not anywhere near normal. She had continued to vomit throughout the day and night- about every other feeding- and was on IV fluids to remain hydrated. She sat perfectly still for all 3 CT scans- which I was thankful that we didn't have to sedate her, but all I could think of is- why isn't she crying? She just laid there. Perfectly. Originally they thought she would go home, but since she wasn't acting normal or keeping her feedings down, they wanted to keep her another night. Basically, we just waited.

Patrick was able to come during the day and would leave to pick Ava up from school in the late afternoon/early evening. We wanted to keep things as normal as possible for Ava, so Patrick went home and stayed with her at night while I stayed in the room with Bella. Ava was very concerned about Bella since she she the throwing up and knew Bella was "going to the doctor."

Bella started to smile more on the third day and was more awake for longer periods of time (more like her normal schedule). She finally stopped throwing up, and when she hit the 24 hour mark without throwing up. After three days of groggy, lethargic behavior, I was starting to see my Bella again. There are lots of details that I left out here (you'd be here all day reading this thing!), but ultimately, the outcome thus far has been good. She's not 100% yet but seems to be doing well. On the last day, Dr. Neurosurgeon sensed that I was still very worried about Bella's long term prognosis (permanent damage, etc.) and said, "I assure you that she will make a complete recovery. I have absolutely no doubt about that." Hearing that made me feel MUCH better. I know doctors don't very often use such strong language. Hell, I just deal with teeth, and I'm even very careful not to guarantee anything.

So, after that very long explanation, I feel like I left all the emotion, worry, and anxiety out. There really isn't a way for me to adequately explain how I was feeling during all this. It was absolutely terrifying - by far the worst experience of my life. To think that I am the one that caused this pain to my own baby (even though it was an accident and could "happen to anyone") is only made remotely bearable by the knowledge that she will probably have no lasting, long term damage and will ultimately heal completely. Of course, I don't have to tell you all the things that ran through my head.....what if she's not okay, what if there is long term damage, what about her speech, eye sight, hearing, EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. It's her brain. It does everything. And what if something I did hurt her permanently? How do you live with that? I'm her mother, and I'm supposed to protect her.

But, I am an incredibly blessed woman. And my family is blessed. And, so far, Bella is healing and getting to be more like herself everyday. And I am thankful. And grateful. And feeling so incredibly lucky that I got to leave that hospital with my baby...and that I get to hold her and look at her and love on her. She is perfection. And I am so thankful for her.

I have a few pictures of her from the last day in the hospital. I didn't take any pictures before I knew that she was doing better. So, I only have a few. She was admitted under neurosurgery. Here's the door to her room:

And her sleeping in that sad looking crib.

One of her awesome night nurses got her this little Rudolph when she had one of her CT scans, and the Chick-fil-a cow came for a visit, so she got a little cow as well. Something colorful for her to look at...

So, there's my sweet baby girl....trying so hard to get better fast for her mama. Please pray that baby Bella continues to heal quickly and completely.