...until I had to say goodbye to my 3 day old, 3 pound, precious little girl and leave her at the hospital as I drove home. I know I've never done anything harder in my life. It's impossible to explain what happens to a mom when you physically cannot be with and care for your child...when you have to leave her in a warm incubator with pictures of your family taped to the side and allow someone else to take care of her. It's painful. Physically painful.
As the day went on, and I realized that today would be my last day being down the hall from Bella, it got harder and harder for me to imagine not being near her. I spent extra long times holding her and looking at her, all the while, unable to hold back my tears. When I went in for what I knew would be the last time before having to say goodbye for the day, I knew it would be hard.
When I saw her, she was laying peacefully in her cozy, warm bed. And her eyes WIDE open...looking right at me! I haven't seen her eyes open for more than just a few seconds at a time...usually, she's very sleepy. :) But this time was different, she was so content and had her beautiful, dark blue eyes wide open- just staring right back at me.
I picked her up from her bed and cozied in with her in our chair (which now sits permanently in her little room for when I visit)...and I just got to look right at her eyes for at least a full 5 minutes. It was more than perfect. It was like she knew I needed that....for her to see me before I left...and for me to see her. I tried, but I couldn't hold back my intense tears. They came and came and didn't stop. I love her so much and don't ever want to be away from her...not even for a minute. I was able to pull myself together a few times, but when it came time to put her back in her bed and say goodbye, I couldn't kiss her, cuddle her, and stare at her long enough. Walking away from her was the hardest thing I've ever done. The moment I was out the door, I broke down. Patrick knows me well enough to expect that, and he just held me until I could breath again....then we walked back to our room to get the last of our things.Although she came into this world 9 weeks early, she's completely perfect. Her eyes are perfect, her nose is perfect, her lips are perfect, her long fingers are perfect. Now, she just has to grow and continue to get stronger. She has to learn how to breath....all the time without forgetting. And she needs to do it quick...so I can have her close again.
Dear God,
Please watch over Bella while I am away. Give the nurses and doctors clarity and wisdom when it comes to making important decisions about her care. Give her peace and allow her to feel your protective presence. Please continue to mature her little body so she can come home soon. Please take care of our baby Bella. Amen.
4 comments:
Meaghan, You are one of the strongest women I know. It's hard, it's just damn hard. Nothing anyone can say will make it better until that sweet girl is home in your arms. Bella is strong. God is watching over your little family, he will take care of all of you. I love you all so much. Anything you need anytime.
I had written a paragraph about leaving the hospital alone, and then I decided to delete it - knowing that you would soon be experiencing this first-hand and there was no reason to cause you to fret too much about it before it happened. Going home solo is so very difficult. But you did it, and it will only get easier from here on out. If possible, try to use a different entrance/exit to the hospital than the one where the babies are discharged. About a week into Natalie's stay I happened to be leaving as a new mom was being discharged with her baby. Brought it all unexpectedly crashing back big time. Hang in there...she's doing so well and will be home soon!
Oh Meaghan, I cried just reading your blog. I cannot imagine having to walk out the door without either of my babies. You are very blessed to have such great nurses and doctors to take care of her. It is not the same as having mommy and daddy but you know she is in the best hands possible right now. I think you are at Johns Creek Emory? Is that right? If so I work right across the street less than 1/4 a mile away. If you ever need help with Ava in the afternoons let me know and I could take her home with me to play with my kids while you are at the hospital with Bella. I am also available to meet for lunch anytime if you just need a few minutes of adult time. Please know that all your friends and family are praying for you and your family. Don't hesitate to ask for help when it is needed. We will keep checking the blog! Love, Abby and family!
my heart aches with you, my eyes tear for you and my mouth smiles at how beautiful bella is! grow baby girl, grow!!!!!
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